YOU’VE GOT 600 MILES TO GO. MIGHT AS WELL LOSE WEIGHT.

Welcome to the audiobook edition of The Fat Mobilization Protocol — because apparently reading a 280-page weight-loss book while operating an 80,000-pound vehicle is still considered distracted driving.

So I made the audiobook.

Now you can learn the entire system while doing what truckers have done since the invention of the Interstate:

Driving across Nebraska wondering if Nebraska has an ending.

This isn't six hours of some wellness guru named Sebastian whispering:

Honor your hunger.

Buddy, I've honored my hunger.

I gave it a parade.

At one point my hunger had better benefits than I did.

This is weight loss for people whose kitchen has a steering wheel, whose bedroom has air brakes, and who have legitimately purchased dinner from the same building that sells DEF fluid.

These are not normal circumstances.

So this isn't a normal diet audiobook.

Hit play and you'll learn:

THE HAMMER LANE

For when you're ready to run a serious calorie deficit instead of spending another year telling yourself you're “about to get serious.”

You've been pre-planning freight for eight years.

Maybe pre-plan a chicken breast.

THE CONTROL LANE

A less aggressive deficit for when the Hammer Lane feels like metabolic dispatch just gave you a 1,900-mile load with delivery tomorrow morning.

THE NUTRITION ELD

Track your calories.

Because apparently the only thing in trucking that wasn't being electronically monitored yet was your cottage cheese.

THE FRONT-SEAT FUEL STATION

Put the right food where you can actually reach it.

Revolutionary, I know.

We've apparently reached the point in human evolution where putting a protein shake within arm's reach qualifies as logistics engineering.

THE SHUTDOWN PROTOCOL

Because you've already driven eleven hours.

There's absolutely no reason your stomach needs another three-hour extension.

AND THE BIG ONE:

Stop hauling body fat around the country for free.

This one personally offends me.

Think about it.

Fuel surcharge?

Yep.

Detention pay?

Sometimes.

Layover pay?

Maybe.

Extra stop?

Pay me.

But I've hauled this abdomen through half the continental United States and not one broker has offered me a dime.

No rate confirmation.

No lumper reimbursement.

Nothing.

I've essentially been running a dedicated lane for my own ass pro bono.

That ends now.

Put the audiobook on.

Listen through Indiana.

Get leaner through Iowa.

Lose another pound somewhere outside Omaha.

Contemplate the collapse of Western civilization at a Pilot in Gary.

And by the time you reach the receiver, you'll understand something most diet books completely miss:

You don't need another motivational speech.

You don't need a vision board.

You don't need Sebastian telling you to honor the sacred wisdom of an almond.

You need a system that works while you're living the completely ridiculous life you already have.